If I Die- Riswana

If I die?

I often think about the day I once longed for. 

If I die…? We should ask ourselves this question rather than expecting an answer from anyone else. How will all my other wishes be fulfilled after I’m gone? Will those whom I loved and cherished come to see me one last time when they hear the news of my death? Will the face I longed to see look for me, just once…? What will happen to my father, my mother, my siblings? Will that house feel empty without me? Will the laughter of my friends fade without me? Or… will they forget me? Will someone feel a pang of guilt when they see my photo shared in a group with the caption “Rest in Peace”? But at least on that day, I might finally hear good words spoken about me…Even those who never remembered me might come back to remember me once a year. The ones who celebrated my birthday for so long…will now celebrate my death—without me. 

But wait, what if it didn’t end that way? Let me tell you a story. There was a girl who has  always kept smile on her face, will make others happy, a kind hearted girl, but no one knows that she is broken inside, and nobody cares about her feelings. Because no one will know that she is sad, like that way she is going with her life. She started facing difficult situations from a young age. But at that time she didn’t know that it would stay for the rest of her life. Ok. Wait. Now you all are wondering about what kind of situation she is facing. Right? She is from a middle class family and she is the elder one. She had many dreams about her life. And she loves to share everything with her parents but she won’t because they will judge her. But initially she didn’t take it as a serious matter because she thought they are teasing. But one day at school there is an incident.  Two children where fighting over a pencil and even though she is not part of that fight, it finally  ends up with them breaking the pencil box that belongs to her. When she told this to her parents, instead of supporting or comforting they judge her. From that day onwards she stopped sharing everything with her parents. 

And it goes on like this. Then came 2018, she is in 8th standard. This time she has met 5 beautiful people in her life. The 5 beautiful souls. They’re the ones who understand her more than her parents.They listened without judgment. They made her laugh when she wanted to cry, or to scream too. But it was only during the class hours she felt that peace, back at home she is like a stranger. Who sits with full silence. After 10th they’re all on their own path. All have their own motivations right? But those 3 years… were unforgettable days with her friends. So after 10th they had met only once. Just once. After that the peace she had been getting is no more and the situations are getting worse. She realised every hard situations is a lesson. And this time she learned to keep the key of the happiness with herself. Because everyone is busy with their own happiness. 

It comes up to higher secondary +1 +2 This time she understands that her own family members where also thinking and talking bad about her.. She learned more and more lessons and she changed a lot from these situations. When she’s studying in higher secondary she had met her old friend who studied in tution and it’s a boy. Her uncle saw that and told to her father. Ok. Can I ask you one thing if you’re parents heard something like this, first what they’ll do? They will come and ask who is that? Is that is your friend? Right? But here he didn’t ask anything about that guy. No questions. No explanations. Only oders, he is like don’t go to school tommorow onwards. Don’t dare to talk with boys again, don’t go out with friends, don’t use phone anymore. And she obeyed to her father. And she didn’t go to school for a month. For a month her father didn’t talk to her she is exactly like a stranger, or ghost in own house. She fakes a lot to stay strong in front of her relatives, friends all. 

Nobody cared if she is fine, if she is ok with her life. No one…This time she tired of her life. She has wondered if her life had ended. She asked the priest if he would have ended her life. She has thought about falling asleep forever. At the age of 9 she started thinking “what if I die?” She couldn’t go on with life anymore. Everytime, she kept telling herself, “Everything will be fine one day.” But now.. she felt completely done with her life.Finally, she used to cut her veins….

Wait, what happened to her? Is she dead or alive? Yes, she was  done with her life Yes, her vision blurred, her breath slowed and she felt on coming darkness. But life held on. Her soul didn’t want to give up like this. This time she had touched the edge and came back to life…. She opend her eyes painfully…The pain was still there but this time… It hits different… She realised no one really cares about her life, her feelings….If she lives or not. No one really cares.

She realised: “There are many people to misunderstand many people to judge, many people to tear into pieces… ““And for all that I’m the one who should face all this.. and I should fight for it….” She wakes up each day to face new challenges, and still she chooses to walk through that fire, before the fire goes out, not to burn, but to bloom. Creating a beautiful life for herself and with herself. Always having a smile on her face.She stays busy everytime to forget all things in her head. Don’t think she don’t love her parents…..She always wants to love her parents because they are the ones who made her a strong woman. And now it’s 2025, I’m still here I want to tell you guys that problems is a part of our life. If situation get’s hard or worse that’s based on how we dealing with that problem. Once I’ve done not once. But now I’m not doing the same. Situation will get worse you guys want to face. Don’t give up with your life. Over come everything. You all have the power. The hard and worse situation will make has feel bad as they want, but don’t give up there is a good life is waiting for you in future. Even it doesn’t feel right now.

“Sucide is not a solution for any problem, If you want to win face it…”